space

I feel like you and me
aren't you and me
because first, there's you
and then there is me
I feel like this place is standing room only
only occupied when you can stand me, and I can stand you
This is the "okay" room
but when things aren't okay
this room is solitary confinement
this is the room where you're reminded that you're alone
and that things are anything but okay
this is the room that screams at you
the room that tells you that you aren't suitable for a partner
that your partner isn't suited for you
I'm tired of taking space
I'm going to get in your space
and I want you to get in my face
because the truth is,
there is no me without you
and there is no you without me
and I love you.

Tattoo

I like to think of you as a tattoo.
the, "I forgot I had that one!" kind of tattoo
the, "I have a meaningful story that goes with this" kind of tattoo
it's cool when I see it, but most days I forget it even exists.

I remember getting my first tattoo,
I remember how it hurt, but I knew it'd be worth it 
I remember the time that a symbol meant so much to me that I wanted it to be a part of my body.
Other people notice it, but I only see it in mirrors now. 

I want to know you again, as more than a symbol
I want to go through pain and know that you're worth it
I want you to become a permanent part of me again
noticing you every day, is what I desire

Mostly, I don't want you to be just a cool story I have 
I want you to be all the things you say you are.

I want you to be air, not just a breath
I want you to be time, not just a minute
I want you to be meaning, not just a symbol
I want you to be life, and not just a story

Because I know that you are more than just a tattoo.

Anxiety

I spend a lot of time these days looking at ceilings
counting breaths
changing thoughts
staying home
focusing on reality

The problem is I'm looking up because I'm flat on my back
and my reality is
counting breaths
changing thoughts
staying home

I can't focus because I'm too busy
counting breaths
changing thoughts
staying home

I want to spend my time punching holes through ceilings
so at least if I'm forced to be flat on my back
I could see the stars
and then maybe I could breathe
maybe the heavens would consume my thoughts
maybe I'd choose to stay home
and stars would be my reality
 

slack

I'm tired of pointing fingers and playing the games
shifting blame
me vs. them
them vs. us
me vs. you
me vs. us
them
us
me
you
I'm tired of cutting them slack
I want to cut the life support line already
because my Life needs more Support
my life needs less slack
I've given them slack
I've given them time

WE

We need to cut Us some slack
I need to cut you some slack
You need to cut me some slack
we need time
we need the life support
we need less of the blame
and I'd like to point a few more fingers away from us and back toward them

I want to hold up the mirror to the slackers
what if we did this to you
why don't you pick up the slack
Slackers

I've already dropped the string
I've reached the end of my line
pull on someone else's
strings are so heavy
with the world on it

2nd impression

Naked I came from my mother's womb

but I've been covering up for some time now.

Bundling up in lies that I could disguise myself in

layers so thick you wouldn't recognize me anymore

I was hoping you would stop looking for me

Like a year-long game of hide and go seek

I hid in the darkest place I could find

yet you kept looking

I even turned my back in all my camouflage and quit the game

I had convinced myself you couldn't see through it all

that you had given up

but you knew me the whole time

you played the game

and you walked with me when I walked away

I bet you even chuckled at my poor excuse for a costume

I thought the cover up was flawless

so

here i am.

but I don't wanna play games anymore

I'm DONE hiding

and all these layers are getting heavy

so I'm turning around

peeling them off

one painful mask at a time

until all there is

is who I am

facing

who you are

nothing to hide

showing you all that I got

naked I came and naked I will depart

you knew that all along

so here is me

this is what I got

It ain't pretty

but I want You to see it All

because breathing under costumes is impossible

all I wanna do is inhale you again

but first I gotta find my lungs

and with my first breath I'll say

Hi.

Nice to meet you again.

My name is Lydia.

i got nothing to hide from you anymore

everything I am is all yours

if you still want me

i am yours.

between flying and falling

I need a little normal

I need something in the middle

I need just enough

...but not too much

I have the tendency to go overboard

'go hard or go home'

right?

wrong.

because when I go hard I fall harder

and going home means giving up

so for now I gotta find something in the middle

something to take the edge off

before I fall off of it

and this time

it's on me.

enough

Haven’t you had enough

Because I’ve had enough

So for now this is enough

And forever this has to be enough

Because He is enough

There is nothing more than enough

And nothing better than enough

And enough is enough

For me.

dark.evil.ugly.

8.30

Lying on the floor of Satan's playground

where darkness only exposes more darkness

the light comes only to suffocate you and remind you

of the game you've been playing

while soldiers of the Lord are fighting for souls

And you thought they didn't need to fight for yours;

because you were saved

But all you did was get off the floor for a little while

all you did was dust yourself off so you can pretend you were never there

lies.

the darkness knows how much you love to play

the dark knows its all you can think about

it's day time now, but soon the darkness comes to consume

to light the fire of sin and ignite you with the excitement to play

use the day time for sleeping

remain in darkness behind the protection of your own eyelids

never letting the light of day seep in

you are living a lie in the day anyway

but stop pretending as if you don't like it

stop pretending like you don't know

you're rotting on the floor of Satan's playground

through the window

It's pouring in Pupukea

and even though Postal Service hums in the background about sleeping in

I wish I had woken up earlier to see this

Because even when it rains, it's beautiful

It's then that I realize that even if you'd cry

you'd still be beautiful

I'd sit in your cool breeze and stare

at how lovely you are

I wish I had talked to you sooner to see you cry

But I'm still asleep

please

don't wake me

I don't like the rain

I hate it when you cry

and I'm not ready to see your beauty

mosh

"what have you been up to since college?"
I looked around at all the faces
of all the people that made up the last 2 years of my life
and wanted to say,
"ask them"
Because they are what I've been up to since college
Each face unique in size, shape, age, and color
no two alike
equal in beauty alone
full of stories of the past 2 years
Stories of trials, tribulations, love, heartbreak, redemption, and holiness
Ask them because they were there
and stuck around to tell the story
I looked around and realize I don't have to say anything
Because my stories speak for themselves
My stories are in this room
laughing
loving
breathing
moving
and speaking for themselves
My stories are ALIVE
You can look into the eyes of my stories
aren't they beautiful?

first

let me touch your hands

so I can feel how much you love me

not just in the warmth

or in the fit

but in the scars

the depth of scars

the indent of scars

the smoothness of scars

The scars

that prove that you didn't just die for me

but you bled for me

first

the lumberjack

I know pruning is supposed to hurt

because you have to cut something off

but this feels more like lumber-jacking

over and over and over again

how will I ever grow if you keep cutting me down the middle

how will I ever be beautiful if you cut me off before I can bloom

how will I ever bear fruit if I am BARE

what kind of pruning is this?

I think you cut too much this time

because all I see is death and destruction

it feels like nothing will ever grow again

how can I trust in your faithfulness if you keep cutting me in half

how can I trust you are covering me in your love if you keep stripping me naked

how can I trust anything or anybody at all

if

You

keep

chopping

me

in

half

like

this

what ever this lesson is, I wanna learn it

because I cannot handle

there has to be more than this

salvation has got to feel better than this

what am I doing wrong?

Satisfaction

Walking in my cap and gown

The new cd I made for my car

A sunny day in Oregon

mmm...

Hearing my parents say they are proud of me

When Ricky was born

Monday night football with my Papa

yup...

When they figure out I can sing

Knowing I am missed

Winning an argument

oh yeah...

Turning his head

being your favorite

dancing all night long

...

the first shot of tequila

my paycheck with plenty overtime pay

sleeping with him

mmm... the taste of SATISFACTION...

the truth is

I

have

NEVER

been

satisfied.

have you?

what is it going to take to satisfy me

what will I do to satisfy you

Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified. - Mark 15:15

LORD forgive me. Forgive your children. Forgive us.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. - Psalm 90: 14

6 shots

mmm the aroma

gotta have it

after 6 shots

I got it all put together

the whole world sees me after 6 shots

you're the only one who sees me before

what do I look like?

i don't even know anymore

i wish i was addicted to you

at least you are free

tomorrow wake me up without it

or is that what you've been trying to do this whole time?

6 shots is so easy

it's everything else that's impossible

f*bomb

I've been fooling myself

we've all been fooling ourselves

I have been fooling you

I'M A FOOL!

shadowboxer

wake up work

wake up school

wake up surf

wake up smoke

for every one of us it's different

Sunday church

BBQ

football

shop

what does your day look like

for every one of us it's different

but for every one of us the same thing on the mind

souls

like bread stuck in your throat that you can't push down

hungry

tired

lost

dying

souls

and when your head hits the pillow at night

all you feel is the concrete of your thoughts

are you comfortable yet

on your concrete pillow?

wake up

who will fight for them but your shadow?

and when you're gone that's all they'll see

is a shadow of who you were meant to be

I just sneezed

Achoo!

but not so loud

I've never been a loud sneezer

as I bought...

what did I even buy?

I don't remember

yet it was only hours ago

Then she looked me in the eye

and said

'God bless you'

and kept her eyes on mine as I let that sink in

and I said

'thank you'

with more thanks than the usual cordial gratuity

thanks for the blessing

thanks for looking me in the eye when you said that

thanks for waiting for my reaction

thanks for saying the name

what was yours again?

it doesn't matter

you won't remember mine

but I'll remember the one you said

and next time, I'll say it too

and I'll look them in the eye when I do

so thank you

and

God bless you too.

set apart

I'm becoming a loser

I don't hang out with the right people

I hang out with the mutual friend, but not the core

I hang out with that lady and her daughter

I hang out with the one, instead of the many

I hang out with that girl who's story no one knows

I hang out with old ladies

I hang out alone

I don't hang out at the right places

I hang out at the bible study that everyone decided wasn't worth their time

I hang out at the beach when there isn't a surf contest

I hang out in town, on all the wrong days

I hang out and jam with no audience

I hang out at work

I hang out alone

I'm not that girl I used to be

I used to be the girl in the middle

now I'm the girl on the outside

I used to be the loud one

now I'm the watcher

I used to be the girl on top of the world

now I'm a stranger here

I used to have everything

now I have nothing

I used to be the cool one

now I'm the loser

and I'm really really happy about it.

If you are calling me to be a loser for the kingdom

I'm gonna be the best loser you have ever called

Matthew 16:24

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

keep your damn roller-coaster

this ride is no fun anyway 

I WANT OFF

but i don't know how to make it stop

trabajo

can I read your stuff so I don't have to write my own?

can you cheat

...the gift?

I just want to stop for a while

so it doesn't feel like homework

I wanna copy for a while

I wanna make it up

I wanna pull an all nighter 

I wanna be pau. 

cuz I don't like to work

I've never liked to work

I've never had to work

I've always been better than that

I could always cheat

there was always a loophole

I was smart enough to find

I've always been the favorite

and I've never had to try

why is this different?

what makes you different?

and what is it about you

that makes me want to try?

but there is no cheating you

and you always take the long way

tomorrow I'm gonna pretend

like 

I 

got

this

to get through the day

like a secret hustler

but soon

I'm gonna have to work