Tag

10/1/09

i used to be a sun chaser

if you grew up in a place with constant rain you would understand

a sun chaser is one who gets in her car

and drives past the clouds toward the sun

she moves when it moves

she stays when it stays

i did this often during springtime in Eugene

on those rare days of fleeting sun in march, april, or may

i wanted to feel that warmth that brings happiness

i wanted light because I was sick of darkness

i convinced myself it was worth chasing

and at the end of the day, I had to drive home in darkness

back to the place I started.

now I live in Hawaii where abundant sun is all around me

i have to take a cold shower just to not be warm

as much as I tried to convince myself, sun was not what I lacked in Oregon.

sun was just an excuse to leave, to chase something that could take me far away,

or at least make me feel like I was for those few short months it hung around.

sunny days were my temporary escape from darkness, but it was just an excuse.

i was tired of chasing

but I don't have to anymore

now I don't chase

it's all around me

now I sit and wait for whatever it is I have been chasing for so long,

now I'll stay long enough to figure out what exactly I've been running away from.

i stay because staying is what I know I want to do now.