trabajo

can I read your stuff so I don't have to write my own?

can you cheat

...the gift?

I just want to stop for a while

so it doesn't feel like homework

I wanna copy for a while

I wanna make it up

I wanna pull an all nighter 

I wanna be pau. 

cuz I don't like to work

I've never liked to work

I've never had to work

I've always been better than that

I could always cheat

there was always a loophole

I was smart enough to find

I've always been the favorite

and I've never had to try

why is this different?

what makes you different?

and what is it about you

that makes me want to try?

but there is no cheating you

and you always take the long way

tomorrow I'm gonna pretend

like 

I 

got

this

to get through the day

like a secret hustler

but soon

I'm gonna have to work 

Banking on Tomorrow

1.20.10

Today I gave a man my sweatshirt

Tomorrow I will give him my Savior

what if tomorrow never comes? 

everyday has been my tomorrow before 

I used to think procrastination was funny

now it's a choking device

forcing itself upon kingdom work 

cutting off life previously given to potential

taking away opportunity for movement

stunting my growth worse than a daily coffee 

and you thought this piece was going to be pretty

so did I

maybe tomorrow it'll be pretty 

but today the question remains

what if tomorrow never comes? 

what if it does

The Big Time

I always want to ask her

"WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER ARE YOU!?"

the answer is

she's the mother of a

selfish

detached

judgmental

over expectant

ungrateful

long-distance

sinner

who knows Jesus

I know all her excuses

I hear them all the time

but what's my excuse?

that's when I realize I should be asking myself

"what kind of a daughter are you?"

Dear World,

SHUT UP! Shut up. Please, just shut up.

Because you're screaming at me

you're talking at me

you're forcing me to go directions

directions

I

Don't

Want

To

Go

with your eloquently spoken words

your tempting whisper

your flashy gifts

your nice boys

your well educated peers

your advice givers

your stable church-goers

please back off.

Because I am weak

easily seduced

hesitant to stand out

and too prideful to cry

I have been sitting

in

silence

watching you turn my head and quiet me down

But

tonight my soul is screaming

though I myself may not

my soul screams out for you to

SHUT UP!

and even though from the outside

all you hear is a whisper

and a faint screen of protection coming over my eyes

soon

you will hear

HIS roar

His Ravenously

Jealous

Roar

The roar

that will awaken my spirit

and put a rumble in your plans

He's ready

to come out claws outstretched

to grip into your wall of emotionless dominance

and Tear It Down

tear it down

until it's only me

and only Him

You won't be in our way anymore

but until then

shut up

so I can hear my maker speak to me

shut up so I can stand up

turn around

and run weeping back into His arms

because once you're out of

Our way

that's all there will be

is me

and Him.

2010

Ah the new year approaches

full of potential and opportunity

enter it with confidence

confidence that this year

its going to be different

this year

things are gonna change

time to get back on the right foot

with boldness and pride

looking forward to the clean slate

the new year brings

The only problem is

that's not my reality

right now

I am entering the year

anything

but

confident

my slate feels murky

grayish

like I missed the day when everyone else got to turn theirs in for a new one

and my right foot, is actually my Left

and as far as confidence goes

I have none of that

because as I see it

I am entering the year

a homeless

unstable

transient

I have never started a year like this before

but at least I have the decency to say it to my face

This is my reality of the new year

as I stand and picture everyone around me

rushing into the new year like it's the ocean on a beautiful day

I know I'm sitting on the sand

I'm not ready for the new swell that's coming in

But

I am not the first of God's children

to start the year off as a

homeless

unstable

transient

and I won't be the last

I know a little piece of how the rest of the world starts a new year

a little less sparkly

a little less noisy

a little less party

same looking up to the sky

except maybe this year not for fireworks

this year I look for God in all the smoky residue

and even though

I am a

homeless

unstable

transient

this year

He's more than one party

one resolution

one kiss

so let the countdown begin

10...

9...

8...

7...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

HAPPY NEW YEAR

The thing is not so much that I hate being cold.

It's that I'm not afraid to be warm for a while.

don't let me get stuck in warmth though

because it's so easy

so easy

to get stuck

in warmth

to get stuck

stuck

don't let me get stuck.

Lights...Camera...

Honestly?

I want you to back the hell off

I want you to take about a million steps away from me

I haven't done anything to you to deserve this

but you know all about hell don't you?

I can't even inhale properly

I'm sick of choking

choking back words, tears, emotions, memories...

NO!

I won't do this

I won't open myself up to you

not again

I've seen what you can do

because you're like a poison

seeping into the creases of my loose existence

I wish I could get a restraining order against you

but that's impossible

because you don't exist here

even though you are always present

But you know what?

I'm getting really good at tying my loose ends

I'm getting stronger

it's getting easier to build those walls

It would be so easy for me not to care

to flip the switch and make you not real

I could make you so small that

you

would

cease

to

exist

Yeah, I'm angry now

but in about 5 seconds I won't be

You'll be small again

and I'll be able to breathe

without you persecuting me

constantly reminding me of my failure

enforcing my humanity that I have come to despise

I won't feel sick anymore

they say you're the prince of darkness

well I'm a damn good actress

I should get paid for what I'm about to do to you

watch me work

in

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

and...

ACTION!