Lights...Camera...

Honestly?

I want you to back the hell off

I want you to take about a million steps away from me

I haven't done anything to you to deserve this

but you know all about hell don't you?

I can't even inhale properly

I'm sick of choking

choking back words, tears, emotions, memories...

NO!

I won't do this

I won't open myself up to you

not again

I've seen what you can do

because you're like a poison

seeping into the creases of my loose existence

I wish I could get a restraining order against you

but that's impossible

because you don't exist here

even though you are always present

But you know what?

I'm getting really good at tying my loose ends

I'm getting stronger

it's getting easier to build those walls

It would be so easy for me not to care

to flip the switch and make you not real

I could make you so small that

you

would

cease

to

exist

Yeah, I'm angry now

but in about 5 seconds I won't be

You'll be small again

and I'll be able to breathe

without you persecuting me

constantly reminding me of my failure

enforcing my humanity that I have come to despise

I won't feel sick anymore

they say you're the prince of darkness

well I'm a damn good actress

I should get paid for what I'm about to do to you

watch me work

in

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

and...

ACTION!

wager

I would trade it all for them to know You

do you make deals like that?

If I could give them EVERYTHING I have in You

and start again

I'd do it.

I'd do it all over 

just so that they would know You

then maybe they'd have to figure out how to save me 

and not the other way around 

the words that don't matter

The words that didn't matter I kept safely tucked away,

confident that the tools I used would keep my secrets

I was sure to only use silent ink

on silent paper

I put them in a journal

that made my heart skip a beat anytime anyone went near it

the words that didn't matter would never leave the page

they were words that were never meant to see the light of day

The words that didn't matter I carefully silenced,

the barrier of teeth, tongue, and lips strong and mighty

and if they weren't

my will power would never let them through

the emotions I chose kept them underneath the surface of sound

they would never come up for air

there was no need for them to ever escape

the words that didn't matter knew that they didn't matter

they were words were never meant to have life

The words that didn't matter the world guarded suspiciously

they were criticized, analyzed, and scrutinized

they were changed and deemed heresy

thrown into millions of books they all looked like strangers

sent to caves and told to remain there never to be discovered

sold as opinions and not useful for educational purposes

they were told to separate by 'church' and 'state'

their meaning manipulated and used for evil

the words that didn't matter could never save a soul

they were words were never meant to have a purpose

These are the words that didn't matter

the words I thought I could never let off the page

the words I thought I could never give life to

the words the world thought could never save my soul

the words You lit up and decided to use

the words You let me breathe

the words You showed the world were true

The enemy wants you to be afraid of sharing the words that don't matter

because when you share the words that don't matter

You will find out that they do.

HE IS REAL!

real real real real real

your version is walls, structures, and lies

your version is harsh, demanding, impersonal

your version sucks

it's not real, it's merely reality

HE IS REAL

I'll show you what I mean by relationship

you say it's fluff

well I'll be the first one to tell you that it is anything but

"she sees bubbles, fluffy, and friendship"

who is she?

I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE

I'll get in your face of dominance and tell you that my relationship doesn't involve that bullshit

you say fluff, I say FIRE

because I KNOW FIRE!

I have seen it and walked through it

walk through it with me and see if you call it fluff

better yet, walk through it with God and see if you call if fluff

Bubbles... BUBBLES? ARE YOU FOR REAL CALLING MY BATTLES BUBBLY?

I'll show you a real war soldier

the war He fought for my life

the war He continues to fight for my life

the war He fights for your life

you say you know war

that you've seen death

that you've shot that gun

well I wasn't standing there at the foot of the cross

and I'm not gonna pretend that I know all the details

but I know what He died for when He died for me

I know what He wants from my life because He speaks

HE SPEAKS

You've never heard His voice?

You try to turn it off during worship?

because it's fake?

because we want to be comfortable?

because we want to be independent?

You think I made this shit up?

You pick out portions of the bible and tell me you believe

yet look me in the eye and say who am I to talk to the Alpha and Omega;

that I am just a woman and think mighty of myself to believe that He speaks and guides me?

He doesn't just speak brother

He sings

HE SHOUTS

He cries

He dances

He fights

He dies

with me

at me

for me

EVERYDAY

I'll show you what's real

You make me sick

You make me want to punch you in the face

Yet I want to cry

because you don't accept your inheritance

you don't know grace as anything more than a word

you compare The Almighty to the world

and He cries with me

and at the end of the night

I know that I love you

because He loves you

because whether you believe me or not, you are a child of God

You are loved

and He wants to speak to you

so tomorrow

or the next time we go to the beach

or at the next BBQ

I will speak to you again

and we might fight again

but maybe we won't

and maybe you'll see more than

bubbles

fluff

and friendship

because you'll listen to me

you'll hear my story

you'll hear the truth

and most importantly

you'll hear the voice of the Alpha and Omega

the one who I am not worthy to talk to

and the thing is

you are right about that

but He's gonna talk to me anyway

and so I'm gonna talk to you anyway

because I used to be

just

like

you

and back when fluff, bubbles, and friendship was impossible to believe in

someone loved me enough to fight back

and He graced me with His voice

and loved me

so I will pray for you

because even though you don't believe me

sometimes prayer

is enough.

Echo

Call me and I will comfort you

Ask me and I will teach you

Need me and I will hold you

But would that be enough?

I know the answer to this question already

I have read this book over and over again

each chapter tells me the truth

the one where I fall short

the one where I let you down

the one where I move away

the one where I lie

the one where I was wrong

the one where I lead you astray

Every time I knock myself down

it is because I try so desperately hard to show you how amazing you are

What I need to show you is that I'm not perfect

but Jesus is

I am a work in progress

But He never changes

please remember that

Cry out to me and I will love you

I will get down on my knees

and we can cry out together

Tag

10/1/09

i used to be a sun chaser

if you grew up in a place with constant rain you would understand

a sun chaser is one who gets in her car

and drives past the clouds toward the sun

she moves when it moves

she stays when it stays

i did this often during springtime in Eugene

on those rare days of fleeting sun in march, april, or may

i wanted to feel that warmth that brings happiness

i wanted light because I was sick of darkness

i convinced myself it was worth chasing

and at the end of the day, I had to drive home in darkness

back to the place I started.

now I live in Hawaii where abundant sun is all around me

i have to take a cold shower just to not be warm

as much as I tried to convince myself, sun was not what I lacked in Oregon.

sun was just an excuse to leave, to chase something that could take me far away,

or at least make me feel like I was for those few short months it hung around.

sunny days were my temporary escape from darkness, but it was just an excuse.

i was tired of chasing

but I don't have to anymore

now I don't chase

it's all around me

now I sit and wait for whatever it is I have been chasing for so long,

now I'll stay long enough to figure out what exactly I've been running away from.

i stay because staying is what I know I want to do now.

Talitha Koum!

She was only 12 years old

her father begged, pleaded, and was told

"Don't be afraid; just believe"

2 words were spoken over her

With all the Power of a Savior He said

"Talitha Koum!"

With all the Love of a Father He said

"Little girl, I say to you, get up!"

She didn't just get up

she got up immediately and walked around

and the people were completely astonished

Heal and Move

Heal and Move

Heal and Move

He heals us so we can move again

And when we move, people will be astonished with our God

He doesn't want us to heal and sit on Satan's bench

He didn't heal us so we can sit out another inning

He took us off the injured list

He took us off the list of the hopeless

He took us off the list of the dead

So we would live again

So people would be astonished with Him

and His ability

to Heal and Move

Are you going to sit this one out again?

Or are you ready to Move

Talitha Koum!

for you were once dead, and now you LIVE!

Mark 5:41